Twist of Fate

Have you ever wanted something so much that you became more than willing to wait for it to actually happen? Something that was once just surreal, something more like a dream/imagination and was so absurd that it can’t even materialize even for some seconds? Well, I’ve had that thing that I wanted so much and I’ve been waiting for this moment for the past 6 years.

Well, not really six but somehow close to it? I honestly spent the last 3 years of my high school life loving one person. He only saw me as an ‘ate’ (older sister) and we were so close that I can’t even make myself hate on him despite the things that he did. I even helped him to his crush (who happened to be my dorm bunkmate……..) and delivered his letters, gifts, etc. Then suddenly, some months before I graduated, we stopped talking. No fights, no misunderstandings…..we just stopped talking. I entered college and still no signs of him. By the way, he’s a year younger than me.

It took me three years to actually move on and forget about how my heart ached because of him. It took me three years to forget about my love for him. I started to like somebody (but boo he’s younger by two years ugh whyyyyyy) but as I fall deeper, I realized that what if I’m just seeing the first guy in him? I stayed away for some months and then just before the yearend break, that’s when I reassured myself that nope, he isn’t just a shadow of someone from the past.

 

but then, the first guy reappeared.

 

we went out. casual. He did all the talking. Honestly, he tried to cope up for the past 3 years. I was elated because finally, he’s making some efforts to catch up. We went out again during my enrollment. We talked for hours and meh, nothing serious.

 

I was so sure about my feelings for the 2nd guy but then again, I can’t force him to like me. I took care of him and I must say that I felt really bad because I somehow took advantage of the situation. NOPE, I DID NOT DO ANYTHING MALICIOUS. Well, sort of. I kissed his forehead…..because I wanted to? I don’t know anything anymore except for the fact that I love him. Yep, not just like…. I think I actually love somebody 🙂

 

then shit happened.

 

Guy 1 wanted to court me but lol. He’s just using me as a rebound to his failed rebound. I hate it but I liked something in his ‘deal’. He asked me if I’m seeing somebody. I answered nope. He asked me if I already like someone. I answered yes. He asked if the guy feels the same. I answered “ish?”. Then he asked me to actually ask permission from the guy. If the guy that I like says that he has no plans of courting me then I can allow guy 1. (He already asked my parents about this…..which sucks because they get to know his plans before I did. Honestly, I didn’t think it was fair because he omitted the rebound details….)

Apparently, the guy that I’m into said that he doesn’t have any plans like that which left me devastated. Lol. I hoped for something impossible. Again. What’s new haha. It’s funny how I never learned. Yep, Guy 1’s already courting me but I’m going to turn him down on friday.

I can’t possibly date someone when I know to myself that I love somebody else. Loving someone from afar isn’t something new to me so even if he doesn’t like me the way that I like him, I can say to myself that at least, I didn’t lie to my heart.

To the young man that I cared for when he was drunk, I love you. and these are the words that you’ll never hear from me because I’ll be staying away for a while. I can’t bear to see your face and not breakdown. My heart’s not in a good condition right now (literally and figuratively lol) so I must stay away from depressing things/situations. Thinking about you makes me sad too. Maybe because I became emotionally attached.

To the guy from the past, I’m sorry but i’m no longer a fool for you. I can be a friend but I can’t give you anything more than that.

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Seventeenth~

There’s a very high probability that this post will contain lots of incoherent words. Forgive me, I am fangirling right now. Pwede mo na ring sabihing kinikilig pa ako :”>

Yep, I am now a legit seventeen – year old girl.
Image

 

 

Okay, so this thing’s in my drafts bin for almost 3 years now and I find it really hilarious. I remember when we were still sort of ‘seeing each other’ that time and you completed my birthday celebration. We ate out with friends and then we headed into that ice cream place that I really wanted to explore (I haven’t thanked you for that tho) and I must say that I did enjoy the nitrogen thing. You ended the night with a back hug. You know that that’s the second most ‘kilig’ thing for me (forehead kisses will always be the number one) and I went back to the dormitory with the biggest smile on.

But now, look at us. We’re almost like strangers to one another. Sure, we didn’t talk for almost 2 years (we still don’t and that’s sad) but at least, we no longer hate the sound of the name of one another.

Which brings me back to the reason why I dislike eating out with the person that I like. It somewhat became a taboo for me.

Pathetic

Hollow.

Empty.

Void.

Pathetic.

 

This is how I feel right now. I feel so hollow as if there’s nothing inside me. Sure, I smile almost all day but the thing is, I can’t feel them. The smiles that I give, they’re somewhat my default reaction to everything. It’s a part of my system – smiling, laughing….being jolly but deep within, I don’t feel them. No, scratch that. I suddenly stopped feeling them. Which sucks so much.

I hope my friends won’t hate me for this tho. I’m genuinely happy whenever I’m with them but that happiness is short – lived. It dies down real quick whenever we part ways and then I’m back to my empty self. The hole in my heart and soul is back and it’s eating me alive (again). The only difference is that I find it difficult to defeat it this time. The thing is, I don’t know how because I can’t pinpoint the cause. It’s like a new species of the same genus of depressing gap and nobody knows anything about it yet.

 

Or is it because I’m not doing anything to overcome it?

 

I honestly don’t know.

 

I’m confused about so many things. I’m unsure of almost everything except for my feelings for this certain person and for my family. That’s why I don’t think I can allow myself to love anyone right now. My heart’s a mess and I wouldn’t dare to offer it to anyone. Let me find peace first. I hope you can wait for that. I like you. A LOT. but it’s embarrassing for me to make rushed decisions. I’m a wreck right now and I don’t want you to see me like this.

 

To the universe, please let me find the answers soon. I’m tired of crying over something I don’t know.

Night of Thoughts

So it finally materialized – after so many weeks of planning and self – convincing, I finally ‘jogged’ after the UP MBT vs ADMU game.

I had so many thoughts running through my head and I just had to sort them out (I trieeeeed). First, I tried to jog because

1.) I want to clear my mind and try to see if I’m going through the right path or if I should turn around and go the other way
2.) I’m an applicant and physicals is a part of their app process so I really have to be fit enough not to drag down my batchmates???
3.) health issues. My heart can’t handle so much pressure from my weight so it skips some beats.
4.) I made a self-resolution during the game. I’ll jog the number of points that the other team has against us (if we’ll lose lol. )

So what’s the outcome?

1.) I found out that many hunks jog around the acad oval when there’s not much people. LOLJK (well, partly? haha) It’s just that there are people pala who really jog when there’s nobody else watching them.
2.) I wasn’t able to sort my thoughts huhuhu
3.) I’m still wide awake and it’s already 1:37 am
4.) dang it, maybe I was too ambitious to actually aim for 9 laps haha. I only managed to finish 3 and most of it was composed of me panting like a rabid dog while walking and sweating like fudge.

Playing with Fire

Fire can give you warmth.
Fire can give you comfort.
but at the same time,
Fire can also burn you.

“The mother moth warned her offspring to not play with the lit lamp because once the tongue of the fire reaches its wings, the end will be seen.”

            Just like the mother moth, my mom’s really protective. She wants to know everything I do and before I do them, she must allow it first. There are times when I feel all choked up but after a while, I learned to just endure it because that’s her way of showing that she cares for me. Though the questions remain. Is it because I’m a girl? or maybe because I’m an only child (which sucks a lot because I grew up alone and I didn’t get to experience wrestling with a brother nor having tea time with a sister)? I don’t know but wait. This entry is not about that.

You see, she said this to me right after she knew about my recent under the table activities. I watched a couple of basketball games and I’ve been into places that are far from the vicinities of the school and dorm. And I did all of these for one person.

I like him right now………..as an idol. If I like him as in like like, I still don’t know. On the contrary, my mom told me that based on what she knows about me after raising me for the past 19 years, I like this guy a lot and I’m basically playing with fire right now.

Honestly, I got irritated because she compared me to my elementary schoolmates again (gosh, I haven’t seen any of them since 2009 so whyyyyy) and she enumerated the things that I’ve been doing.

  1. I sent him an e-mail (I don’t know what’s wrong with this? I just wanted to wish him goodluck for his game lol)
  2. I got free tickets from him
  3. I got the chance to have our photo taken
  4. I visited the gym for a couple of times
  5. I always talk about him
  6. I started to like UAAP
  7. I watch the games live

To reason out, I told her that I’m just a mere fan and that I’ve been doing the same things for every person that I become a fan of (well, most of them were international people so there are some variations lol) and honestly, I don’t get her point when she told me that I’m playing with fire. She even pointed out that he already has a child (this drove me nuts….. Can we please not judge a person for having a kid early? It’s not like he kidnapped the kid or something) and she even told me that I’m giving motives.

Mom, please. I’m just a fangirl. I have accepted the painful fact that I will never be someone in his life even if let’s say that I actually like him just as how you said I do. I know for sure that in his eyes, I’ll always be just another nameless fan that he’ll soon forget.

I don’t know. Ugh, I just want to shout and cry and sleep for days but I can’t do that because I have a lot of things to do. Am I really falling for him? Everything’s on haywire ugh. I’m losing grip of my academics (again </3), and then my heart and my emotions are all over the place. I’m really lost and confused.

Inspiration

Nowadays, I really feel elated and inspired. It’s a bit late because the semester’s ending and I only focused now but better late than never, right? Most students might feel like how I did before. I still feel like this occasionally but I try to outsmart myself.

Is the stress eating you alive? Are you depressed because of your grades, lack of sleep and mountains of papers to finish? Do you regret slacking off and not doing those things immediately? Well, we’re all with you in that boat. We’re in school, that’s why. I used to sulk and cry at night while thinking about these things but then again, doing that didn’t really help at all. It just made me feel even more down, depressed and annoyed at myself.

Since it’s a well-known fact that I like K-Pop (a lot, as in A LOT), I used that as my salvation. It used to distract me (until now, to be honest but I’m trying to tame it) but I don’t like to see things negatively so I overturned the boat. I used Kpop as my inspiration. I know that my idols, biases (husbands, namchin, name it- I’ve called them that) have SO MANY fans that I will be just another face in the sea of crowd even if I attend all of their events so I’ve made a resolve for myself.

I’m going to study hard and then try to excel in my field and then make my name known then somehow, I hope that we will be aware of each other’s presence. Big dream, but definitely not impossible. I want him to be happy and proud to say that he has a fan like me. I want our relationship to be something like that – something that will make him feel proud and happy.

Yes, I’ll try to be more focused now with my academics but that doesn’t mean that I will not spazz (that’s just really impossible lol)

Plus, my parents agreed to my pleadings. After I finish geology and passed the board (2 years more of college + review for board exam), they agreed to let me study dance and pursue my passion – which is to perform. Yes, I will try hard because I really want to do this. A few years of more sacrifices shouldn’t stop my dreams.

To those who are struggling like me, let’s do this. I know we can 🙂 Smile and use your hobbies, biases and passions as your inspirations.