Playing with Fire

Fire can give you warmth.
Fire can give you comfort.
but at the same time,
Fire can also burn you.

“The mother moth warned her offspring to not play with the lit lamp because once the tongue of the fire reaches its wings, the end will be seen.”

            Just like the mother moth, my mom’s really protective. She wants to know everything I do and before I do them, she must allow it first. There are times when I feel all choked up but after a while, I learned to just endure it because that’s her way of showing that she cares for me. Though the questions remain. Is it because I’m a girl? or maybe because I’m an only child (which sucks a lot because I grew up alone and I didn’t get to experience wrestling with a brother nor having tea time with a sister)? I don’t know but wait. This entry is not about that.

You see, she said this to me right after she knew about my recent under the table activities. I watched a couple of basketball games and I’ve been into places that are far from the vicinities of the school and dorm. And I did all of these for one person.

I like him right now……… an idol. If I like him as in like like, I still don’t know. On the contrary, my mom told me that based on what she knows about me after raising me for the past 19 years, I like this guy a lot and I’m basically playing with fire right now.

Honestly, I got irritated because she compared me to my elementary schoolmates again (gosh, I haven’t seen any of them since 2009 so whyyyyy) and she enumerated the things that I’ve been doing.

  1. I sent him an e-mail (I don’t know what’s wrong with this? I just wanted to wish him goodluck for his game lol)
  2. I got free tickets from him
  3. I got the chance to have our photo taken
  4. I visited the gym for a couple of times
  5. I always talk about him
  6. I started to like UAAP
  7. I watch the games live

To reason out, I told her that I’m just a mere fan and that I’ve been doing the same things for every person that I become a fan of (well, most of them were international people so there are some variations lol) and honestly, I don’t get her point when she told me that I’m playing with fire. She even pointed out that he already has a child (this drove me nuts….. Can we please not judge a person for having a kid early? It’s not like he kidnapped the kid or something) and she even told me that I’m giving motives.

Mom, please. I’m just a fangirl. I have accepted the painful fact that I will never be someone in his life even if let’s say that I actually like him just as how you said I do. I know for sure that in his eyes, I’ll always be just another nameless fan that he’ll soon forget.

I don’t know. Ugh, I just want to shout and cry and sleep for days but I can’t do that because I have a lot of things to do. Am I really falling for him? Everything’s on haywire ugh. I’m losing grip of my academics (again </3), and then my heart and my emotions are all over the place. I’m really lost and confused.


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