Pathetic

Hollow.

Empty.

Void.

Pathetic.

 

This is how I feel right now. I feel so hollow as if there’s nothing inside me. Sure, I smile almost all day but the thing is, I can’t feel them. The smiles that I give, they’re somewhat my default reaction to everything. It’s a part of my system – smiling, laughing….being jolly but deep within, I don’t feel them. No, scratch that. I suddenly stopped feeling them. Which sucks so much.

I hope my friends won’t hate me for this tho. I’m genuinely happy whenever I’m with them but that happiness is short – lived. It dies down real quick whenever we part ways and then I’m back to my empty self. The hole in my heart and soul is back and it’s eating me alive (again). The only difference is that I find it difficult to defeat it this time. The thing is, I don’t know how because I can’t pinpoint the cause. It’s like a new species of the same genus of depressing gap and nobody knows anything about it yet.

 

Or is it because I’m not doing anything to overcome it?

 

I honestly don’t know.

 

I’m confused about so many things. I’m unsure of almost everything except for my feelings for this certain person and for my family. That’s why I don’t think I can allow myself to love anyone right now. My heart’s a mess and I wouldn’t dare to offer it to anyone. Let me find peace first. I hope you can wait for that. I like you. A LOT. but it’s embarrassing for me to make rushed decisions. I’m a wreck right now and I don’t want you to see me like this.

 

To the universe, please let me find the answers soon. I’m tired of crying over something I don’t know.

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