Have you ever wanted something so much that you became more than willing to wait for it to actually happen? Something that was once just surreal, something more like a dream/imagination and was so absurd that it can’t even materialize even for some seconds? Well, I’ve had that thing that I wanted so much and I’ve been waiting for this moment for the past 6 years.
Well, not really six but somehow close to it? I honestly spent the last 3 years of my high school life loving one person. He only saw me as an ‘ate’ (older sister) and we were so close that I can’t even make myself hate on him despite the things that he did. I even helped him to his crush (who happened to be my dorm bunkmate……..) and delivered his letters, gifts, etc. Then suddenly, some months before I graduated, we stopped talking. No fights, no misunderstandings…..we just stopped talking. I entered college and still no signs of him. By the way, he’s a year younger than me.
It took me three years to actually move on and forget about how my heart ached because of him. It took me three years to forget about my love for him. I started to like somebody (but boo he’s younger by two years ugh whyyyyyy) but as I fall deeper, I realized that what if I’m just seeing the first guy in him? I stayed away for some months and then just before the yearend break, that’s when I reassured myself that nope, he isn’t just a shadow of someone from the past.
but then, the first guy reappeared.
we went out. casual. He did all the talking. Honestly, he tried to cope up for the past 3 years. I was elated because finally, he’s making some efforts to catch up. We went out again during my enrollment. We talked for hours and meh, nothing serious.
I was so sure about my feelings for the 2nd guy but then again, I can’t force him to like me. I took care of him and I must say that I felt really bad because I somehow took advantage of the situation. NOPE, I DID NOT DO ANYTHING MALICIOUS. Well, sort of. I kissed his forehead…..because I wanted to? I don’t know anything anymore except for the fact that I love him. Yep, not just like…. I think I actually love somebody 🙂
then shit happened.
Guy 1 wanted to court me but lol. He’s just using me as a rebound to his failed rebound. I hate it but I liked something in his ‘deal’. He asked me if I’m seeing somebody. I answered nope. He asked me if I already like someone. I answered yes. He asked if the guy feels the same. I answered “ish?”. Then he asked me to actually ask permission from the guy. If the guy that I like says that he has no plans of courting me then I can allow guy 1. (He already asked my parents about this…..which sucks because they get to know his plans before I did. Honestly, I didn’t think it was fair because he omitted the rebound details….)
Apparently, the guy that I’m into said that he doesn’t have any plans like that which left me devastated. Lol. I hoped for something impossible. Again. What’s new haha. It’s funny how I never learned. Yep, Guy 1’s already courting me but I’m going to turn him down on friday.
I can’t possibly date someone when I know to myself that I love somebody else. Loving someone from afar isn’t something new to me so even if he doesn’t like me the way that I like him, I can say to myself that at least, I didn’t lie to my heart.
To the young man that I cared for when he was drunk, I love you. and these are the words that you’ll never hear from me because I’ll be staying away for a while. I can’t bear to see your face and not breakdown. My heart’s not in a good condition right now (literally and figuratively lol) so I must stay away from depressing things/situations. Thinking about you makes me sad too. Maybe because I became emotionally attached.
To the guy from the past, I’m sorry but i’m no longer a fool for you. I can be a friend but I can’t give you anything more than that.