Emotion Dump

Honestly, I am considering if I should rename this from ‘A Fangirl’s Heart’ into ‘Emotion Dumpsite’ or something like that. I have realized that the things I post here are mostly just about my goddamn emotions and too little about my fangirl life. Oh, another thing. As of this week, I still don’t have the heart to record a new vlog because my dog isn’t okay. I’m in a turmoil of sadness because the veterinarian told me and my parents that they can’t do anything anymore. The worms have infested my dogs heart and blood and they have also caused his liver to fail a little.

Can you imagine the pain of losing someone and you can’t do anything about it as it happens? I just want to cuddle him and tell him that everything’s going to be alright and that he will surely recover but it just doesn’t work. It breaks my heart every time my parents call me at night just to tell me that he’s not consuming anything except for some occasional gulps of water. I can’t even think of any sufficient word to describe how I feel right now.

He’s my only best friend and he has been with me for the past 10 years. How does one freaking let go of someone that precious? I want to rewind the time and do the things that I want to do with him. I was a kid back then and I admit that we didn’t get to hang out that much especially after I entered high school. I want to turn back time and give him better memories and spend more time with him but we all know that that’s literally impossible.

It feels like no, scratch that. I am freaking losing the only sibling that I have. The only one who always looks out for me and comforts me every single time. He never left my side. He never bit me even if I irritate him so much (like when I dab his nose with a tissue…. I just wanted to wipe away the goo!) He made me feel the love of a sibling that I never had even though he never said anything.

I need you

I need you more right now, love
I think my heart’s going to collapse soon.
I don’t know what to feel because of these situations
heck, do I still now HOW to feel anything at all?

Chained Freedom

I don’t know. I feel like I am caged.

Well, my parents are really strict and protective since I am the only child but you see, I know a couple of parents who are not like that to their kid (who’s also solo). Honestly, this situation is contradicting itself. I crave for my parents’ attention and care but not in this way. I feel like I’m being chained into a giant boulder that I can never move. Why do I crave for their attention? It’s simple. They don’t have time for me. They’re always working. During the year end vacation, I was at home for a month and we only get to see each other during the evenings and occasionally during the weekends. You see, they’re always in the office, or doing something else somewhere whenever I am home. It hurts me a lot because I have nobody to talk to. It’ll make me a hypocrite if I say that I don’t need the money that they get from working but what I want to point out is that I need them.

I need someone to talk to especially at home. I need someone who’ll be there to listen and someone to guide me. Slowly but surely, this is killing me. We never talk without bickering. Whenever I call them because I feel bad, sad or when I need advice or when the homesickness strikes in, all I usually get from my mom are scoldings while my father says nothing.

My loneliness at home made me want to be surrounded by happy people and I found them. My friends are all bubbly and warm. They make me feel like I’m human, that there’s someone who is there to listen and to give advice. I thought I found the missing piece of the million pieces puzzle but then, the chains came in. My parents (or should I say my mom? my father never goes against what my mother says so I don’t know how to see that…) hate it when I go out with them even just to eat dinner or relax for a bit and hangout. They hate it. I’ve been scolded way too many times but I’m scared that their feelings will be hurt when I tell them that my friends made me feel the happiness that I really long for.

Don’t get me wrong I love my parents so much but sometimes, their rules are suffocating.

1. After school, I should go straight back to the dorm.
2. I should not go out after the clock strikes 6:30 pm.
3. If I need to do something outside and it’s really important/urgent, I get to have 30 minutes of extension.
They call the residence hall and my roommates to verify my whereabouts.
4. I have to call them first thing in the morning, before I go to class, after eating, upon arriving in the dormitory, before going to sleep, etc. Basically, every single thing that I do should be known by them.
5. I can’t go to another person’s room/house. No sleepovers, no room hopping.
6. No side trips with anyone.

I love my parents and I know that they just want to protect me but you see, their ways of “protecting me” makes me feel like I’m being suffocated. I’m chained into the house/dorm – school – house/dorm routine. I need friends too, you know? Sigh, I don’t know what to do right now. I don’t want to answer their calls as of the moment because I might just say some things that I never really wanted to say. And this is why I’ve always contested to other people that being an only child is not always full of rainbows and unicorns. It depends on the situations set by the parents + the factors brought upon by the environment.

17 Things To Expect When You Date A Girl Who’s Used To Being On Her Own

Only if you knew 6, 7 ,8 and 10 when we were still seeing each other…. only if you knew….

/I can only sigh and reminisce those times

Thought Catalog

1. Expect her to do her own thing often and without letting you know, at least at first. It’s not that you don’t matter; it’s just that she’s learned to love doing what she wants, when she wants, and without asking permission or informing anyone.

2. She’ll probably want to take things slowly because she’ll not be used to all the attention. Don’t think she doesn’t like you enough, she probably likes you a lot; it’s just all new to her.

3. Expect her friends to be overprotective of her and to be suspicious of you at first. They’re not used to her being with someone and they’ll want to make sure you’re the kind of guy who will treat her well.

4. She’ll have a hard time letting you do things for her. Try not to take this personally. She’s just used to taking care of herself and it’ll…

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‘Just A Dream’

My parents always ask me if there’s something wrong and I always re – assure them that everything’s just fine.

I don’t think I lied to them. Nothing’s wrong, it’s just that my real dream is making my heart hurt so badly. How can I tell them that my dreams and what I wanted to be in the future is now different from what I’ve had when I was a kid? How can I tell them that I just want to go out there, sing, dance and act my heart out instead of getting stuck with science books and tons of mathematical problems?

Don’t get me wrong. Taking up BS Geology is cool but it’s not what my heart truly yearns for. I want to be an idol but reality and practicality stops me. Another factor is that that me who can perform have been murdered by the society and the scrutinizing eyes of the ‘perfect ones’ during high school.

Just watching this video of Korean students who do what I have always wanted to do makes me sob real hard and think of the what if’s and could have’s of life.

What could have been my current personality, identity and state if I took the path of an idol and pursued my dream? Ahh, I can only imagine how different it would have been.

There Are Two Types Of Grief

I’m at loss for words

Thought Catalog

Amazon / Six Feet Under <a href=”Amazon / Six Feet Under“>Amazon / Six Feet Under

In Ecce Homo: How One Becomes What One Is, Nietzsche declares, My formula for greatness in a human being is amor fati: that one wants nothing to be different, not forward, not backward, not in all eternity. Not merely bear what is necessary, still less conceal it—all idealism is mendaciousness in the face of what is necessary—but love it. There are many versions of this argument — from Buddha, Leibniz, Spinoza and many more, all with a different spin.

But the basic argument (whatever that is) looks something like this: There is no other life; all there is is all this. To wish it any other way — backwards as regret or forwards as hope — is nihilistic. It is to wish nothing. After all, life is what happens. To wish it otherwise is to go…

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